i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
