he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
