You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
