The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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