OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
