yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
