that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
