I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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