so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am naked and annoyed.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
