I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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