Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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