Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
