brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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