Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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