He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
