I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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