mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
