Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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