Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
be right there i have to get my cape
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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