is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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