What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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