i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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