Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
