I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
