Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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