Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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