I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
