They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
