despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
