she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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