This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
