There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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