I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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