The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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