I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
