Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
