I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
