Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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