You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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