you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
