My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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