U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
