this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
