Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
