that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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