I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
