Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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