Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
