The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
