I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
