You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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