People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
