my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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