new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
