you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
