How'd it feel making her break her religion?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
