"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
