those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
