He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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