you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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