$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
