since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
