if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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