Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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