Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
