If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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