She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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