my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
