I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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